Recruiting for Starwolf
by Metal Madness
Summary: one-shot set sometime before Assault. Andrew has left Starwolf to lead a rebellion, so Starwolf need to find a new memeber to replace him. They shall face many hardships and challenges in this quest... or just interview some people.


Disclaimer: Nintendo owns Starfox and related characters. Super. 

Wolf O'Donnell jabbed at a piece of paper with his pen. He tried to scribble on the paper, but nothing came out of the pen. Wolf angrily threw the pen over his shoulder. It sailed through the air and hit Pigma square between the eyes.

"Watch it!" Pigma shouted at Wolf, who answered by throwing another pen at the pig. Pigma broke down into tears. "My beautiful face! Wha!" Pigma stood there sobbing for ten minutes, before Leon walked in and pushed him over.

"Stupid Pig, get out of the way of the GREAT LEON!" Leon walked up to Wolf and looked at the paper. "What prey tell are you doing?" Leon questioned. Wolf turned to look at the Chameleon.

"The other day I realised that the name 'Starwolf' was slightly... well, it was kind of... it sucked. I'm trying to come up with a new name which isn't just a rip off of our rivals." Leon picked up the list and read it. He looked at Wolf sarcastically.

"Dark Starfox? O'Donnell and the others? The team formerly know as Star Wolf?" Wolf stood up angrily.

"Fine! We shall just be Starwolf then! Sorry for trying to put a bit of effort into our group!" Wolf muttered angrily, walked over Pigma, who was still crying on the floor, and slumped down on the couch. "And where the hell has Andrew gone!" Wolf turned on the T.V and watched some documentary about Dinosaur Planet being invaded by poachers who wanted to start a theme park full of dinosaurs. "Stupidest idea ever." Muttered Wolf.

"I believe Andrew left our crew to begin a solo career leading the Andross rebellion." Leon stated. At this news Wolf sprang up.

"That can't be right! We need four people, otherwise our battle plans will never work"

"Would this be the plan to follow Starfox's ships around occasionally firing at them until all of us are dead?" Leon asked.

"Well what the hells wrong with that plan?" Wolf replied.

"It doesn't work, yet you still insist on using it!" Leon answered.

"I think I should be the leader!" Pigma added. Wolf and Leon looked at him angrily.

"You couldn't even kill Starfox when they thought you were on there side!" Wolf threw the remote (which was still in his hand) at Pigma. It missed.

"At least I lead James McCloud to his doom!" Pigma angrily claimed.

"What are you talking about? I saw him in the mall just the other day! He was muttering something about being stuck in a giant monkey brain for several years." Wolf replied. Pigma went quiet. "Anyway, I was pointing out we need a fourth member, otherwise all is lost"

"Perhaps if you call Andrew up, he may consider returning to the team." Leon suggested.  
"That's so sensible it just might work!" Wolf ran over to the communicator and called up Andrew.

"How the hell did you know which number to call?" Leon asked. His question was answered when a ringing came from one of the Wolfens. "Do you want his actual number?" Leon held up a scrap of paper. Wolf quickly snatched it and typed the number into the communicator. In a matter of seconds Andrew's face appeared on the screen.

"What is this about you leaving the team, and why wasn't I informed!" Wolf barked at the screen.

"I need not answer to anyone except uncle Andross!" Andrew claimed. Wolf raised a fist threateningly.

"You bloody well better answer to me!" Wolf threatened.

"Wolf, I'm halfway around the system, you can't get to me." Andrew pointed out. Wolf's good eye twitched angrily. He took a deep breath and calmed down.

"Look, we need you back otherwise we will be outnumbered by Starfox!" Starwolf explained. "Besides, your leaving has made Pigma cry!" Wolf pointed at Pigma, who simply shrugged. Wolf stepped hard on the pig's foot, starting the water works.

"That hurt Wolf!" Pigma cried.

"Shut up you moron!" Wolf whispered back. Pigma ran off to cry in the comfort of his own room. Leon rolled his eyes at the display of complete stupidity.

"Look Wolf, there is no way I'm coming back, and to be frank, I'm glad to make Pigma cry. Bye bye!" Before Wolf could reply Andrew shut off his communicator.

"Shit." Wolf simply stated.

"Well I suppose we now have to find a replacement." Leon stated.

"Well it's that or we ask Starfox to drop Slippy." Wolf added. Unfortunately, as much as everyone hates Slippy, he wasn't going to be thrown off the team for the simple reason that he was the only one with an infinite supply of Helium to offer.

"Well, let us start holding interviews!" Leon announced.

"Can I make up the questions?" Pigma asked. Wolf took off his shoe and threw it at him.  
Three days later Starwolf were finally holding interviews for a new member. Wolf had come up with a bunch of questions, Leon had researched interrogation techniques and Pigma had an assortment of objects, most of which were lethal, thrown at him. However, the trio had forgotten to advertise that they were looking for a new member and only four people had come to apply.

"Who's up first?" Wolf asked, sitting behind a table with Leon and Pigma sitting besides him.

"His name is Bill." Leon announced. A grey dog entered the room and sat in front of the trio. Wolf noticed something about the dog's attire almost instantly.

"That's the uniform of the Cornerian army!" Wolf shouted, pointing at Bill's top. "He is here to bring us down from the inside"

"Actually I quiet the Cornerian army because they stopped paying us after all the wars ended." Bill explained.

"Ah yes, this drought of wars is a pain to all of us. Damn governments aren't meant to 'talk things over'! Whatever happened to the era of evil dictators and idiotic Presidents?" Wolf complained. "Wait, why are you still wearing there uniform then"

"I can't afford any other tops, that's why I need this job!" Bill shouted.

"Well, I know this tailor..." Wolf began.

"The questions Wolf." Leon reminded Wolf.

"Yeah, okay, keep your socks on!" Wolf replied.

"I don't wear socks." Leon pointed out. Wolf looked down at Leon's feet.

"Dude, are you poor or something"

"Well, you don't pay me!" Leon complained.

"You don't pay me either!" Pigma added.

"What! You guys don't get paid! Screw this!" Bill got up and exited the room. Wolf sighed angrily.

"Way to go guys, just because of that I'm going to use Pigma for target practice again." Wolf scolded. Pigma dropped his head sadly.

"Maybe you should start paying us then." Leon suggested. Wolf started laughing at the suggestion.

"We might as well bring in the next person." Wolf claimed. "And that would be?" Leon looked down at his short list. "Genetic boss Monkey dude 23" Leon announced. As the name left the chameleon's lips, a monkey who had piloted one of Andross' many ships in the past entered the room.

"Which one of 'Monkey head's' minions is this?" Wolf whispered to Leon.

"Does is make that much difference?" Leon whispered back.

"Well, as long as it isn't the pirate monkey." Wolf looked back towards the monkey. He didn't look like a pirate. "So, Genetic boss Monkey dude 23, how are you?" Wolf asked.

"I'm okay, can't complain." The Monkey replied. Wolf nodded.

"Good, good. How's your week been?" Wolf questioned.

"Nothing special." answered the personality deprived monkey.

"Seen any good movies recently?" Leon turned to Wolf.

"These are the questions you've been working on for the last three days aren't they?" Leon asked.

"Yeah, so?" Leon snatched a list of questions Wolf had made.

"I knew I should have looked at these first! Wolf, these are worse than the questions Pigma made, and his were perverted!" Wolf looked over at Pigma confused.

"What? A pig can't ask someone there cup size anymore?" Pigma complained. Wolf and Leon looked at Pigma slightly disgusted.

"NO!" They both shouted.

"You nasty little piggy." Wolf added. He picked up a snow globe off the desk and threw it at Pigma. Pigma fell off his chair and was knocked unconscious by the ground. "Right now that that's over." Wolf turned to Genetic boss Monkey dude 23, only to find that he had gone. "Where the hell did the monkey go"

"We must have scared him off." Leon sighed. "We only have two people left applying for the job, so I think we must try one of my interrogation techniques"

"Sure, whatever." Wolf leaned back in his chair.

"Right, Wolf, pull your trousers up to your chest and start acting mean." Leon ordered. Wolf raised an eyebrow.

"You have got to be kidding"

"Well it worked on 'Fortuna idol'!" Leon exclaimed.

"Well these trousers aren't that stretchy." Wolf explained. "In fact the only trousers I could hitch that high up would be Pigma's, and I wouldn't touch them with a twenty foot stick"

"How about this thirty foot stick?" Pigma asked. Wolf threw a chair at Pigma and knocked him unconscious again. "So who's next?" Wolf asked.

"Some cat called 'Miyu'." Leon claimed. An orange cat with black stripes entered the room.

"How do they know exactly when to come in?" Wolf asked.

"Don't know, probably magic." Leon answered.

"That's good enough for me." Wolf replied. He then turned to talk to Miyu. "So, why do you want to join our team?" He asked.

"They are trying to make people believe I don't exist. They dusted me under the rug after Starfox 2 got canned, but there are pictures! I can prove I exist! They hope no one asks about me, they pretend me and Fay never existed!" The cat explained, while his eyes darted around the room.

"Who's 'they'?" Wolf asked.

"What's 'Starfox 2'? Are our enemies investing in cloning?" Leon added.

"You see! It's working! I need to be part of your team to spread the word! Who know whom they'll do it to next! Maybe one day you'll wake up and find you've been erased from existence!" Miyu rambled.

"He talks to much." Wolf criticised.

"What about the fact he's obviously a raving maniac?" Leon asked.

"Yeah, but we used to work for a raving maniac with no body." Wolf replied. "Still, he's too much of a talker"

"They are controlling everything! The sky! The planets orbit! The pixel count!" Miyu continued to rant.

"Look," Wolf talked to Miyu again. "I'm afraid we're going to have to turn you down, on the matter of you being a babbling, psychotic bastard, and we already have one of them." Everyone looked at Pigma, who had apparently regained consciousness. Miyu pointed a finger accusingly at Wolf.

"They have got to you to! We must open your eyes to the real world!" Wolf pulled out a blaster and shot Miyu dead.

"Pigma, dispose of the corpse." Wolf ordered. Pigma groaned.

"But you're the one who shot him!" He protested. Wolf threw Leon at Pigma.

"Hay!" Leon shouted.

"Sorry, ran out of things to throw at the fat twat." Wolf explained. Pigma pushed Leon off him. The pig had got so angry his ears had turned to bacon.

"That's it! I've had enough of you all treating me in this way! I am not just something for you lot to take your anger out on! I have feelings to! I have dreams! I..." Pigma was cut off as Leon whacked him on the head with his chair.

"No one lectures the GREAT LEON!" He announced. Pigma, even more annoyed, pulled out his gun and tried to shot Leon. However, his aim was way off and the bullet headed for the door. At that moment, Katt's head looked through the door.

"Do you boys want to interview me or not?" Katt asked, just before the bullet hit and killed her.

"Pigma! You just shot our last applicant! Also you broke rule one of the ancient wolf code!" Wolf claimed.

"Didn't you just come up with that last month?" Pigma asked.

"Yes, but it's still ancient. Besides, you still broke rule one, 'Never pull a gun out on me, Leon, Andrew or that girl who does my laundry'." Wolf scolded. "I'm kicking you off the team." He announced. Pigma's eyes went watery, but he tried not to show it.

"Fine! I don't need you guys! You stink, and your cappuccino machine sucks as well! I can be someone by myself! I'll also wear a really cool pink jumpsuit!" Wolf took his blaster out.

"No one insults the cappuccino machine." He threatened. Pigma took off instantly.

"Great. Now were not even a team. We're a 'duo'." Leon complained. Just then, when all seemed hopeless, a black panther burst in.

"Help me!" He shouted.

"Why? What's happened?" Wolf questioned.

"Well, I've just stolen all the money from the Kantina bank, assassinated three planetary leaders and got General Pepper's daughter pregnant." The panther explained. A grin formed on Wolf and Leon's faces.

"You're perfect!" Wolf claimed.

"Errrr... Thanks?" The panther replied, not sure if Wolf was coming onto him.

"How would you like to go around the galaxy blowing stuff up?" Leon asked.

"Sure." He replied. Wolf handed him some papers.

"Now just sign these contracts claiming you will willingly work for free and that you will give me a brownie." Panther signed and handed Wolf a brownie he just happened to have. "Perfect, so what's your name"

"Panther." Panther replied.

"How original." Wolf sarcastically remarked.

"Not has original as 'Wolf'." Leon claimed, even more sarcastically than Wolf.

"Lylat must be home of the most unimaginative parents ever." Wolf replied. "Oh well, let's all go to the Great Wolf"

"We don't own a 'Great Wolf', and we're still a member short." Leon pointed out.  
"Next time we meet Starfox we can just shout 'boo' really loud and give Peppy a heart attack." Wolf suggested. "Now lets all go to wherever we live"

So with that, the new Starwolf team was formed, ushering in a new era of plot devices to make sure they're not outnumbered by Starfox and child support Panther refuses to pay.

The End.


End file.
